


in our wildest moments

by apollothyme



Category: The Hobbit (2012), The Hobbit - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: Bath Sex, First Time, Incest, M/M, Minor Violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-01-10
Updated: 2013-01-10
Packaged: 2017-11-25 00:28:59
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,184
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/633171
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/apollothyme/pseuds/apollothyme
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The most unfair thing in the world is, in Fili's eyes, loving someone you're not supposed to want.</p>
            </blockquote>





	in our wildest moments

**Author's Note:**

> This fic is dedicated to two very good friends of mine, [Becca](http://elenafishers.tumblr.com/), who is one of the most wonderful writers I've ever met, & [Winnie](http://radagasts.tumblr.com), who is kickass at everything and wrote the fic ( [Legacy](http://radagasts.tumblr.com/post/39937087939) ) that inspired me to write this one. They both cheered me and gave me awesome advice while I was writing this, and for that I'm incredibly thankful. 

The most unfair thing in the world is, in Fili's eyes, loving someone you're not supposed to want.  
  
It is a slow pain that grows inside your heart almost imperceivable at first. It is a trickle of poisonous sand that clutters your mind until everything is made of rust, ready to break and shatter under the weight of your shameful desires. It is a crime, committed by you - by your needs, your longing, your corrupt thoughts, your hands begging to touch and caress and love the most important person in your life; and against you, since it’s not your fault, not your choice, not what you ever wanted because who would be foolish enough to choose to love their brother?  
  
Just that thought, that admission of what goes on inside the dark corners of his mind is enough to make Fili shudder and hate himself a little further more, which is saying a lot considering how Fili has not had an ounce of self-love in a long time now. Ever since the desire for his younger brother started to burn in his heart, if he is to be more precise.  
  
It all started when he was 64 and Kili 59, still nothing more than Dwarf teens in the eyes of their elders, too innocent and naive to yet be aware of what it meant to be a grown dwarf and therefore too young to be interested in any sort of romantic or sexual relationships.  
  
That was probably what shocked Fili the most, when he first realized where the wandering thoughts that popped in his mind whenever he saw his delightful brother went.  
  
Fili wasn't even supposed to know what naked want was like, what desiring someone’s mind, body and soul truly meant, what the pain of heartbreak felt like but there he was. Lost and confused, desperately aching for his sweet, younger brother, who has always looked up at him, who still admires him with the same perpetual childish emotion from when they were infants.  
  
That is the worst part - to know Kili still admires him and loves him, that when Kili hugs him he thinks of the act as nothing more than a friendly gesture between brothers, that Kili has no idea of the war that wages inside Fili, who feels constantly crossed between loving, protecting and making his brother his, and destroying all the sickening emotions inside of him.  
  
In the end it's a battle that can't be won. Fili tries, he really does. He even tries ignoring Kili for a little while, something he had never done before, not even when he was mad at Kili for stealing his favourite toy and breaking it.  
  
The separation ends up doing more harm than good, confusing Kili but making him determined to not let his brother out of his sight or do anything to upset him in order to avoid being so unjustly ignored again.  
  
It would pain Fili immensely to admit that he was secretly happy to see his brother miss him so much, and whatever he might have accomplished by keeping away is easily destroyed by his brother's eager smiles and loving hugs.  
  
Although he considers it, Fili never asks anyone for help, not even Thorin, who is the strongest and bravest of them all, or Balin, who is the wisest. It'd be too shameful, to embarrassing for him and everyone in his family if the word got out that one of the heirs of Durin lusted for his younger brother.  
  
Instead, Fili decides to deal with his thoughts and desires on his own, no matter how impossible that be, for there is little he can do but keep to himself as much as he can and ignore the way his heart shrinks smaller every time Kili is so much as friendly to another dwarf.  
  
And it's easy, on busy days at the blacksmith and busy nights of drinking and partying with everyone else, for Fili to trick himself into believing that his feelings are not as strong as they really are, and that eventually they will fade away, as all things do.  
  
Deep down he knows though, they will never go away, just as Kili will never stop being his brother, just as Fili will always care for him, until his last, dying breath.  
  
\-- // --  
  
They're ambushed by orcs on a night where sky has decided to piss thunder and cold, harsh rain all over them.  
  
Fili's bones are chilled to the very core and his clothes are so drenched they make every movements ten times as hard. If it weren't for his Dwalin's constant shouts telling them to keep moving busying Fili's brain, he's quite sure he'd feel slightly scared at how he can no longer feel his hands and feet. He suspects the rest of his troupe feels the same by the way their shivering is noticeable despite their desperate running to get out of the rain and find some shelter.  
  
They've been out all day and night, looking for enough meat to make a hall full of dwarves feel fatter and bigger than a whale, which is saying a lot considering how much dwarves can eat.  
  
They had been caught unguarded by the rain while tracking a deer's trail, but the shock the dwarves felt at finding themselves suddenly in the middle of the Northern Ocean was nothing compared to the shock and terror that ran down every muscle of their bodies when an Orc cry was bellowed in a nearby hilltop.  
  
Their weapons were already in their hands when the orcs showed their ugly mugs and it is known that a dwarves reflex is admirable to most, but nevertheless the small troupe of dwarves found themselves in disadvantage against a group of mindless, hate-fuelled Orcs, whose anger-impaired vision did not care for neither rain nor thunder.  
  
Fili and Kili found themselves not the for the first time in a battle for their lives, after all the land surrounding the mountains is a dangerous place and the Durin brothers had always had an inkling for adventure, but still they could not help feeling as terrified, defenceless children again for a split of a second, their brains frozen in terror.  
  
It is not by chance nor by luck that Dwalin's war cry brings both brothers back like a strong slap on their cheeks by their mother.  
  
Fili finds himself running towards his brother before he's even aware of where his feet are taking him, ready to protect his brother with his death, if he must. He slices one Orc's head off mid journey and stabs another right through where his heart would be if he had one. When he finally gets to Kili, his brother is fighting admirably like he'd been taught and there's but a smallest hint of a smile on his face.  
  
It is not that Kili loves danger the most, for all dwarves are born prepared to discover new places, battle for their kin and venture in the dark. It is just that as the youngest, Kili's always lived a slightly more sheltered life than everyone around him seemed to, making any real chance for an adrenaline rush through his body a welcomed sight, despite the associated dangers to his life.  
  
It is the knowledge of this simple fact that makes Fili ever more worried about his little brother, who Fili fears isn't going to be careful enough in a real battle situation. Fili finds himself instinctively protecting his brother through the Orc raid, sight never leaving Kili as his sword sheds Orc blood all over his own clothes.  
  
The thought of letting something happen to Kili is simply unthinkable and Fili would die rather than see it happen.  
  
Unfortunately, protecting Kili means Fili lets his own guard down and isn't aware of the Orc behind him until he's tumbling down, face pressed against the wet mud as hot pain cuts through his leg and momentarily blinds him.  
  
Another hit against his shoulder, a heavy Orc feet that makes the bone crack loudly against Fili's ears.  
  
The last thing he hears is a pained shout from his brother, followed by a single word that brings warmth to Fili's blood, which also seems to be leaving his body at alarming rates.  
  
"Fili!"  
  
\-- // --  
  
Fili cracks his eyes open to the sight of brown leather and the barest hint of a beard growing on a naked chin.  
  
He means to say 'what happened?' but all that comes out of his mouth is a disgruntled sound that sounds suspiciously like Dwalin's snores.  
  
"Glad to see you awake, we're almost home." A soothing voice whispers against his ear and it takes Fili a couple of seconds to register who it belongs to.  
  
Kili.  
  
His little brother, who is now carrying Fili back home. Kili, who has his heavy arms wrapped protectively around Fili and holds him with little difficulty against his sturdy chest and when did that happen? Fili still remembers when Kili was nothing more than an awkward, gangly boy, although those days seem ages away now. Kili, whose smell of pine needles and iron reminds Fili of lazy days spent wandering the land surrounding the Blue Mountains with no single goal in mind.  
  
Kili, who most likely saved Fili's life when he fell prey to an Orc's rusty sword.  
  
"Dori fixed up your leg and put your shoulder back in place, said you'd be fine as long as you didn't move around too much." Kili adds, reminding Fili of his injuries that have now dulled into a muffled pain kept at the back of his brain.  
  
"Thank you." Fili says, loudly enough for the rest of his dwarves to hear but still quiet enough for it to look like he's talking to just Kili.  
  
It's silly, but Fili's always felt embarrassed about thanking his fellow dwarves for taking care of him when he should have been the one doing it.  
  
He gets a hearty groan from everyone and a not so gentle shake of his head by Dwalin's rough hands. "Be more careful next time Master Fili, or your brother here won't have much to carry home." Dwalin says in his jokingly serious way that Fili has grow accustomed to.  
  
Dwalin's words make a hint of red blush appear on Fili's cheeks and Fili's never been more thankful for being covered in dirt and sweat.  
  
The rest of the journey is spent in silence. Fili knows all the Orcs from before now lay dead on the ground, but that doesn't mean they're in the clear yet. The forests were never a safe place to begin with, but lately they've been covered with more rat-stinking creatures and slimy leeches than Fili can recall.  
  
A tiny shiver goes through Fili's body as he thinks about what Thorin's reaction is going to be like when he hears they were attacked by Orcs while searching for food. Most likely there will be shouting, something will be smashed and then there will be more shouting.  
  
Dwarves are known for many things: their craft, their love of gold and a good meal, their beards, their ageless mines, and so many other things, but they have never been known for being quiet.  
  
"Thorin's going to kill us for letting ourselves get ambushed by Orcs."  
  
"Nah, you'll be fine. You're a valiant, wounded soldier returning to your kingdom after a dangerous battle, brother. The rest of us, on the other hand, are definitely getting sermon."  
  
Fili wants to say that he's quite possibly the least courageous Dwarf in Middle-Earth and that all he did was in pure selfishness and greed, too scared of losing his brother to even contemplate that idea. Fili is even so selfish that he won't ask his brother to put him down, enjoying the heat and the comfort of Kili's body against his at the same time as deep shame flared through his body.  
  
Kili would not want to hear Fili say anything like that though, so Fili decides to remain in silence as his brother carries him back to safety.  
  
When they enter their town the news of what's happened has already spread through the cobbled streets. Before he even knows it, Fili is being taken away from the dwarves already approaching them, Kili taking a side street and heading towards their home with open strides.  
  
There, Kili goes through the hallways in seconds, not giving anyone the chance to approach them either to scream at them (Thorin and their mom) or to ask what happened (everyone else).  
  
Fili realizes where they're going in mere seconds, faint mud marks still visible on some of the stones from when he and Kili were kids and ran to the bathroom to wash themselves as soon as they got home.  
  
The first thing Kili does after stepping through the door is put Fili down gently, the second is turn on all the taps for hot water, the third is take off his muddied overcoat before saying, “let me help you,” and moving towards his brother.  
  
Fili doesn't say a word, afraid that the light haze of pain still clouding his mind will make him say or do things that he’ll much regret later. It is most difficult to remain silent though when he can feel Kili’s clever fingers grazing against his skin as he works on getting Fili free of his stained clothes.  
  
“Seems like an eternity since you last let me touch you like this.” Kili says while taking off Fili’s boots, careful not to look up while he speaks.  
  
Fili swallows so loudly then that he’s sure Kili can hear him. In mere seconds more than a thousand thoughts go through his mind — hopeful thoughts, worried thoughts, mindlessly scared thoughts… All of them caused by a simple admission that is already creating so many questions.  
  
Has Kili noticed Fili’s more distant behaviour? Fili has been avoiding being too obvious or too abrasive, like he was before when he tried to completely ignore Kili, since there isn't much of a point in him doing it anymore.  
  
Now he simply avoids letting his eyes roam where his hands no longer dare to go because he is afraid of what he’d do if he got the chance to touch Fili’s naked skin - his broad shoulders, his skinny waist, his strong legs - again.  
  
But an even more important question: does Kili know why?  
  
Because that can’t happen, Kili must never. As much it is embarrassing to admit, Fili would rather live a coward, sinful life than live one without his brother, who would push him away as soon as he realized the disgusting things Fili felt for him.  
  
Their bathroom, which all of Fili’s life looked too big to be real or practical, now feels smaller than a grave, air tightening with a sick claustrophobia around Fili’s lungs.  
  
The urge to run away overwhelms Fili but he finds himself stuck both physically by his injuries and his brother, who is still carefully removing Fili’s clothes, and mentally, by the misery stricken cloud looming above him that seems to be growing darker and darker.  
  
“You’re always so distant now.” Kili says and he sounds so sad, like he honestly doesn't know why is brother doesn't like him as much as he used to when the reality is the complete opposite.  
  
Fili feels obliged to reply, even if his answer is no better than silence. “I'm sorry.”  
  
“It’s alright.” There’s a hint of a smile that’s not really there around Kili’s lips.  
  
In one swift, unexpected movement Kili pushes his brother’s undergarments away before he turns to the steaming bath next to them and shuts off the taps, “you can get in now.”  
  
Fili takes one step forward, trying his best to ignore the pain that shoots right up his bruised leg and also trying very, very hard to not think about how naked he is right now in front of the one that’s been stamping on his heart for so long now.  
  
The second step isn't taken for a while as Fili, for the second time that night, is made immovable, this time by the sight of his brother undressing himself. In front him. While Fili is already naked and there’s a hot bathtub just right next to them.  
  
There’s no valiant war cry to break Fili out of his frozen state this time, just a quiet, almost timid explanation, which is so unlike Kili that it kicks Fili’s brain back into work. “You can’t exactly clean yourself with your shoulder like that. I’ll help.”  
  
“Ah.” Fili says when all he truly wants to say is ‘you’re driving me mad, little brother. Every single word you utter and everything you do pushes me one step closer to madness and I'm not sure how much longer I am able to endure this’.  
  
“It’ll be just like when we were kids.” Kili adds and Fili wants to laugh at how cruel of a joke that is because no longer is anything the same as when they were kids. Not even close.  
  
He doesn't say anything though. Instead Fili just slides into the hot water and hopes time will pass by him as quickly as the wind.  
  
Fili's eyes close themselves after he sits on the center of the tub, breath hitching in anticipation when he hears his brother stepping into the water. There's a maniac panic beginning to build inside his chest, a mix of fear and desire that is breaking all of Fili's resolves and promises to stay still, while rebuilding them at the exact same time. It's madness, pure and simple madness and it makes a fool out of Fili, who should have told his brother he was fine to be on his own the second they entered their house.  
  
There's still time for Fili to say 'no', the chance for him to make things right and avoid the worst pain in his life is still available, he can still stop this and try to go back to the way things were. At least he could until Kili's hand touches Fili's wounded shoulder, then, everything crumbles.  
  
In Fili's mind it goes like this: a pyramid of sand blocks that reaches the sun dissolving into mear sand grains again, each level of the pyramid falling after one another to create a giant sandcloud; an ageless stone bridge collapsing into an almost black as coal river, tiny pebbles falling first until the all thing does, the impact creating a massive wave that wrecks everything in its path.  
  
Which is say to say it's as overwhelming and devastating as it is like a breath of fresh air after months spent underground, and Fili is helpless to do anything about it. His body acts in its own accord, falling backwards into Kili's touch until they're standing chest to back, almost touching each other with Kili on his knees behind him.  
  
"I know what you did," Kili says against Fili's ear, so close that Fili can almost feels Kili's lips grazing his skin, "before, when the Orcs attacked, you were trying to protect me and by doing so you forgot to watch your own back, brother. Next time please warn me, so I can protect you too."  
  
Even though Fili's brain is currently trying to shut itself down, Fili still has the presence of mind to feel embarrassed, not only for being caught so redhandly, but also for his brother's request. The whole thing makes Fili want to hide his face in his hands like he used to when he was a child, until Thorin told him that wasn't proper behavior for a dwarf and Fili stopped doing it.  
  
Kili must notice this because the next thing he does is a little shushing sound as his hands apply pressure onto Fili's shoulders and massage the skin.  
  
It's all too much - the contact, the heat, Kili's words - but all Fili can muster himself to do is stay quiet and not initiate anything, no longer able to refuse something he’s wanted for so long. Whatever his brother decides to do, Fili will do nothing to stop him, either be it push Fili away or bring him closer.  
  
Kili’s hands skate down Fili’s back with a light touch, moving to press against Fili’s ribs and chest at a painfully slow pace. He’s got a bar of soap in one hand that he moves gently against Fili’s skin and that’s one of the funny things about Kili: he’s reckless and daring, he never thinks too much about things, but he’s also the gentlest person Fili knows, always ready to give a helping hand.  
  
Fili’s sure that this whole thing is a test, it has to be. Although to what, he’s not quite sure and he has an even smaller idea as to what exactly his brother wants from him. He just hopes he’ll get it right.  
  
"Do you want this, Fili?" His brother asks and its a statement to how long Fili’s refused himself to even think about doing anything with Kili that he isn’t able to answer, too scared that he’s got it all wrong and Kili means something else entirely, that he’s just really trying help him like he promised, that all the little touches subtended meanings are being made up by Fili’s mind.  
  
“I--” He begins to say, hoping that somehow his tongue will do the rest for him and say the words he’s promised never to utter.  
  
“Yes?” Kili asks, fingertips pressing against Fili’s chest as his hands move lower, passing down the water mark and moving closer to Fili’s already hard cock.  
  
The movements sparks something in Fili, clears the fog in front of his eyes and thrusts him back into harsh reality again. Everything comes running back to him, the reasons why he -- they -- shouldn’t do this, who he’s with and all they have to lose if something goes wrong.  
  
“You’re my brother, my little brother. We can’t-- we mustn't--” He tries to get up but his wounded leg and Kili’s arms around him unable him to do so. Instead, Fili falls back against Kili’s chest and it’s then that he feels his brother’s cock heavy against his skin.  
  
Kili gasps before kissing the back of Fili’s neck. “Don’t think about that, don’t think about any of that now. It doesn’t matter.”  
  
And it matters, everything matters, Kili saying that it doesn’t barely changes anything. It just tells Fili that he’s not alone in how he feels, that his brother feels the same, that he understands. And maybe, just maybe, that will be enough.  
  
Regardless, Fili can no longer protest, not when Kili’s hand has finally taken a grip around Fili’s cock, deft fingers moving with practiced ease while Kili ruts against Fili unashamedly.  
  
Fili tries to stay quiet but little gasps slip past his lips without consent and when Kili bites down on his shoulder, teeth sinking into the skin so hard it will definitely leave a mark, Fili can’t help crying out, the flames inside his heart shining ever brighter at the thought of being marked by his brother.  
  
Part of Fili wants to turn around and kiss Kili, see what his skin tastes like and how it would feel to have Kili’s mouth warm underneath his, bite Kili’s bottom lip until it raises blood and suck it dry, memorize every corner with the tip of his tongue. Another part of him wants him to stay right where he is, where he can feel his brother’s cock against the crease of his ass and his mouth on his neck.  
  
The latter part ends up winning before Fili gets to make a choice when he comes in his brother’s hand. While Fili has to choke back an embarrassing moan, Kili doesn’t seem to have any problems with groaning loudly against Fili’s ear as he comes.  
  
Kili is the one getting both of them up. He takes Fili’s elbows and helps him out of the bath, only letting go when Fili is on his own two feet and standing up steadily.  
  
It’s only then that Fili looks into Kili’s eyes and whatever doubts he might have had about what’s going to happen next vanish into thin air at the amount of love he sees, as well a hope that is both nervous and confident at the same time, something only Kili would ever be able to achieve.  
  
“No one must ever know.” He says even though he knows Kili is already aware of this.  
  
“Don’t worry, brother. I don’t like to share.” Kili says with a smirk before he kisses Fili soundly on the lips. Unlike Fili, Kili seems to be already completely sure, not the slightest hint of hesitancy either in his words or his movements.  
  
Fili is thankful for that because he doesn’t think he’d be able to live with himself if Kili felt any other way, nor does he think he’ll find the courage to act upon his desires so recklessly anytime soon.  
  
But that’s alright, Kili doesn’t seem to have the slightest problem with being in charge.


End file.
